Heaven’s Perfect Abundance.
In my previous blog post, I mentioned about the memory I had just recovered. You can click here, to read that story. It will give you a good foundation for the reason of this post.
Although the pain of the new discovery almost drove me crazy, I am thankful for the recalling another missing piece of the story. At least, I had the whole picture and stopped wondering about things.
The sad truth was that a little part of me was suffocating, choked by the tight grip of hopelessness around her neck. All of that was happening in my unconscious mind. So, I had no idea the reason for some feelings of despair and hurt. Sometimes I’d be fine; sometimes I’d go straight to that hurting place.
It was such a hard lifestyle. Where were all this joy and abundant life promised? Something was amiss, but I couldn’t figure out why.
I know now that my hurting place was the pain the little girl felt on the inside. This younger me was never taken care of nor loved properly. She needed to experience that and learn to trust again.
During these last few weeks, I went on a quest with God to dig deeper into that place of pain. I had no idea how that kind of brokenness could be restored or tended to. I was tired of religious clichés, so I found myself stuck. Once again.
Everything felt out of control. The screws and bolts that held my little airplane’s fuselage together were falling apart. I was going down at the speed of light. In pieces.
I just had forgotten that God doesn’t use clichés. Truth is His main weapon to uproot a lie. He waited until my heart was ready to listen. He whispered,
Love on the girl,
Let her walk your dog and listen to your podcasts
Allow her to enjoy the life that you have, but that she wasn’t able to experience.
She’ll see that I’m trustworthy and pure.
You and I will become her safe place.
Couldn’t God have asked me something easier? I already have two daughters who need a lot of my attention. Is he asking me to nurture another one? Worse, nurture myself?
Just wave Your magic wand and make everything new, for goodness sake. Make this easier on me. I’d so appreciate less emotional pain in this process.
As we all know, He doesn’t work that way most times.
Well, I realized that I wanted Him to do something He had already enabled me to do. He’s given me enough emotional capacity to influence and love on my children. Therefore, I could do the same thing to my younger me. I’d nurture into her the same kind of love I have given to my babies.
I look back a few weeks ago and think of how beautiful this process was. The more I blessed that little girl, the closer we became. I was mindfully intentional on feeling her and searching for her every single day. We listened to scriptures, sermons, and worship music. We laughed, we cried, and we allowed ourselves to be, just be.
It seemed we were on a journey to integration as she felt safer with me. I, on the other hand, felt her pain. My compassion level for her increased to the point I no longer wanted to do life without her. She was and is a big part of me.
I wanted her.
She was wanted. She felt wanted.
During this time, I also discovered that many thoughts in my life were filtered by the painful lenses of this younger me.
No wonder I was stuck in different aspects of my life.
That revelation was pivotal to me. It led me to the awareness that when we look at life through the lenses of our pain, we will live in scarcity. Nothing will be enough.
The best analogy I can give you is a scene in the movie Rambo II. Sylvester Stalone is captured and held underwater up to his neck. When the antagonist army captain orders him to be lifted up, we see that leeches attached themselves to Rambo’s body. They are sucking his precious blood, his precious life.
So it happens with us. The only difference is that we keep ourselves captured when we don’t deal with our emotional baggage. We create our own ponds with leeches and immerse ourselves in our own destruction. Then, we complain that we don’t have joy or that nothing works for us.
Scarcity will breed more toxic thoughts in our minds. Leeches after leeches will suck the vitality of our hearts and bring us to live like zombies—faceless, numb, and heartless.
Unfortunately, the only way to stop this nonsense is to face the pain.
But it’s worth it. So worth it.
When I faced my traumatic memory, I thought I was going to lay flat on my bed and become a vegetable. At least, I wouldn’t feel anything. Was there a narcotic around to numb me? Shoot. No. Not even that worked.
No way out, girlfriend. You have come too far now.
After my little embracing-the-younger-girl-in-me adventure, I became the bridge that led her to trust God. The significance of the moment when she released all her pain seemed like the day of Pentecost. Holy Spirit came with fire and possessed every single place devastated by trauma. He filled her up with the abundance of heaven. For the first time since she was five years old, she felt happy, guilt-free, and clean. My younger me was free, and, therefore, willing to live life with the lenses of how Jesus saw her
Let me tell you that it’s been so good to me. I feel as if a big chunk of me has been reattached. The world has become more colorful, the birds sing more beautifully than ever, and dark chocolate tastes even better. Love flows organically, no’s are not a threat, and I’m willing to give more. Being overwhelmed is slowing fading away and trust has exponentially increased within me. Abundance, pure abundance.
No, life is not perfect, but I was awakened to what Christa Hesselink wrote in her book Life’s Great Dare, “What if transformation wasn’t about God making me more perfect so he could love me more, but instead was about changing me, so I could experience his love more perfectly?”
He wants everything: the good, the bad, the dreams, the longings, and parts of my soul not yet touched. He wants my all, so He can give me His all, which I believe is so much better.
I am moving forward. I am not a product of my past.
I am a product of abundant grace.